The list

So after a few disappointments in relationship, I have gathered some common themes among the men I have been in short and long relationships with, as well as my behavior in these relationships. This comes after a friend telling me I "need to pick better men". I believe it is true! I should value myself enough to be conscious of what I want in another person, as well as be aware of who I am and how I behave in a relationship. This is an ongoing list and I'm not going to use it as a checklist, I'm not crazy, just a set of suggestions to keep in mind. No real order here.

This list came about after being with H., who seemed like a perfect catch. And after "dating" C. for a bit I have added a few more things to the list, as well as confirmed others that I had made an exception for C...never again! So here it is:


--A man must have friends of his own. This is an indicator of his social skills as well as loyalties to people he cares for (non-family).
--A man must live on his own or with roommates, just not at home with family. This is an indicator of his independence as well as individual financial stability.
--I will not introduce the person I'm dating to ANY family until it is serious. That includes my brother and my niece.
--I will not bring along a person I'm dating to outings with friends until we've both had time to get to know each other well.
--A man must not be emotionally unavailable. FIRM on this one! (recently confirmed)
--A man must be college educated. This is not me being a snob of any sort; the degree can be from Westwood College or Harvard for all I care. It is the pursuit of higher education that I am interested in. It says a lot about the person's dedication and motivation. (note: i know college isn't for everyone, but this was recently confirmed)
--I will not let my "guard" down completely until I know the other person is not just wasting my time. Not to say that I won't open up to someone, just that I will be more cautious since this is what makes me closer to someone and hurt later
--I will not settle for what appears to be a good guy. His actions must match his words.
--A man must have some sort of humanitarian side. I'm tired of guys always telling me that I have a good heart for helping people. I want to be able to say the same thing to someone else. It's a quality that I would like to share.
--NEW: A man I DATE must not be divorced or have any children. I used to be open minded about this, but unfortunately, it's just not something I'm willing to put myself though again.
--I will not pursue a guy. I will let him pursue me. It's not old-fashioned, it's self-preservation and it's time I start to utilize this one.

There are three other ones that I won't disclose, but those closest to me know what those are.

Manu Chao

So I didn't get into Iowa. I realized that it wasn't going to happen mid-week and I felt so relieved. I didn't like being in limbo; I wanted to have a firm grasp on my future and I finally have it. I now have classes to take in September and the MCAT to study for.

Since I was in LA for Rocio's birthday, a bunch of us schemed together a plan to kidnap her and take her to Tijuana, BCS, Mexico to see Manu Chao perform on Sunday, the 24th! It was amazing, despite the injuries that she and others incured...at their own faults I have to add!
Emmanuel hurt his back and she now has a cut on her head and a really really nasty left knee!

Chio's Pseudo Bday

Since I'm not sure what will happen this week with Iowa I decided to plan Rocio's bday festivities one week in advance, as her bday falls on this upcoming Sat. A few of us got together and had dinner at The San Antonio Winery and Restaurant. Pretty nice place, good food...great wine! I created a gift basket for Chio with 5 different wines and other goodies and surprised her at the end of dinner. A few people came back to our apt for more wine drinking! OF COURSE a game of Taboo ensued! Freakin game went on for about 4 hours! Check the havoc below...I was fierce with that buzzer!

Disappointment

I can't help but become disappointment by certain people. I try to not have expectations; I try to be open minded and understanding, but sometimes I just feel like me doing that is just making excuses for people! I mean, I expect courtesy from people...all people...isn't that normal? Maybe I should just not care about people anymore? It's easier said than done of course. I guess I should try to not expect courtesy from someone...or is that me settling for something less than what I want? Hmmm...I can be over doing the situation, but still the issue gets right down to the basics! Well for now I will relax and try to not let such a simple disregard affect me. Hmmm...

In limbo

I'm still waitlisted at Iowa and while at the beginning of the month I thought an admissions offer was not probable, the circumstances have changed. In one week the list moved 13 spots! RIDICULOUS! If one spot opens up, if one student decides to go elsewhere I could potentially be in! It's exciting, but it's scary. It's coming down to the wire and I'm so nervous. At first I was anxious about not getting in and now I'm anxious about actually starting in one week! My time to adjust will be limited to overnight :/ I was fine up until talking to Daniela. I hadn't updated her in 3 weeks because she has been studying for the LSAT, and so the news of me potentially moving to Iowa by next Thursday came as a shock to her. I freaked out when I heard her reaction. She has been one of my closest friends since I first moved to LA and our connection is so deep that all my anxieties just came out at the sound of her voice! After our conversation I started to cry :/ to get all my thoughts out before they consumed me...it's a good thing Rocio woke up when she did to hear me out.

I mean, my life could potentially change DRAMATICALLY in 6 days! And by dramatically I mean, I could be in a different city and state, completely different from LA or SD. ..Iowa City, Iowa, population 60,000 of which 30,000 comprise U of Iowa! The whole situation is incredibly exciting, but like I said, scary. I need to stay positive and remain focused. I can't focus on the details, such as what clothes will I take, should I buy shampoo here or over there...The details will kill me if my thoughts linger...everything will work out in the end, whether I go or I stay.

reaction

Today is the first day of class for UCLA and Drew. I don't really feel anything significant today; it's a regular day. I suppose its a good thing that I don't feel sad or mad...I feel normal. The date almost snuck up on me to be honest.

I've been so set on playing with my camera and focusing on my personal health that i just forgot what the 4th signified. What does it really signify? Nothing more than the fact that the DGSOM started today, that's it. It doesn't represent anything about me! It doesn't represent who I am, who I will be or what I am capable of. It CAN signify that if I trouble myself to overthink the situation, but simpler is easier, basic is better. Letting nature take its course without me interrupting with my pessimistic thoughts is the best thing to do and I can fel that it is exactly what I have done. I am at peace with it. Second time around, who knows if I will even want to stay in LA! I want to get out and explore the world. I want to challenge myself and see yet another side of myself!

at home

I love being at home with my mom. She is so cute and is now able to do so much on her. It's kinda sad though that I can tell that even when surrounded by many, she still feels alone. When I'm in SD my attention is hers because in reality she is the only reason I go back. But when I'm here I can't experience even a moment of silence and it reminds me of why I left in the first place.

On another note, I've felt sickly and weak physically the last couple of days, but very positive emotionally. I have made a commitment to focus on myself and to go with the flow. And since working on it, I haven't felt like I did last week...rejected and even a little desperate! The Arizona road trip to see my Yoyo really helped to restore my sanity and focus! I feel as if everything I watch on TV or listen to on the radio is trying to tell me something about my current situation. It's a good feeling to see the universe working in such a way. It is definitely helping to restore my faith in things happening for a reason

Out Sick

I stayed home today from work. Doctor's orders! For the last several days I have been feeling slightly dizzy and lightheaded, with a headache. My best estimate is that it started mid last week. I finally decided that feeling that way was not normal and scheduled an appointment with Kaiser Urgent Care. First, however, I went to Mobile Clinic because I had already stated I would go, and well, it's only right.

I was seen right away at the urgent care. For some reason I felt even more tired than usual. Doctor ordered some lab work and once the results were in he told me I was fine....hahaha. Just kidding, he said I was getting over some viral infection and really needed to rest. :/ He even gave me a note to stay home the rest of the week. I wasn't going to follow his orders because I had three clients scheduled today, but then I decided I should stay and relax. I would rather spend two days at home than have a headache the entire time at work. I will also be taking better care of myself. I've been so busy trying to keep active that I'm ignoring what my body is telling me...it's tired!

Geoffrey has a theory that all these symptoms are just my anxiety over medical school. Perhaps he is right. I don't feel nervous or anxious, I'm ready for whatever comes my way. BUT, I guess my body is absorbing all the anxiety and it sucks :( So instead of keeping busy to "forget" about the uncertainty of my life, I am going to relax more and take the uncertainty for what it is.

Lakers Loss

Last night I went to Weiland's Brewery in Little Tokyo with Rocio, Chayo, their co-worker Gloria, and some guy that plays in Gloria's band. The garlic fries and beer were great, the lakers were not :( I'm not a basketball fan, so I wasn't rooting for any particular team, but I couldn't help but feel disappointed at the Lakers. Maybe it was Rocio's yelling at the TV screens or the thought of those guys wearing yellow and purple jerseys having to bear the ridicule from Celtic fans, but I couldn't help but cringe when I saw the final score. The game was an embarrassement to the team and a disgrace to the thousands of loyal fans that whole-heartedly defend the lakers. Even Phil Jackson's post-game interview lacked emotion.

After seeing the amazing defense and the pride Celtic players exhibited after the game, I'm glad they won. Perhaps because the Lakers have won so many championships in the last decade they have this feeling as if 'well we always have next year'...but for the Celtics it seemed like they had been working up to this year for the last 20 years! And to find out that they were at the very bottom last year, truly made it an inspirational story. Congrats Celtics!

Santa Barbara weekend

A few of us girls packed up Rocio's car and were off to Santa Barbara for a Friday night of dancing and Saturday afternoon of wine tasting. The trip up there was one of the best mini road trips I've ever had. Rosa is a riot when she's energized, and boy was she ready to party! She was equipped with her Jay-Z soundtrack and choreographed moves, shakin' it in the car! Daniela is always fun, she tends to just go along with the fun. Rocio was great as well. Since she's stopped drinking she's actually been more fun since she doesn't feel the need to constantly be drinking. I was feeling a little out of it, but I still had a blast. Rosa and I were drinking buddies Friday night. We hit up downtown Santa Barbara and dance until the clubs closed!

Sunday morning, we all woke up either sore or drunk, but for Rosa and I, we woke up feeling both :/ It definitely didn't help in trying to get into the mood for wine tasting. I just wanted to go home by the morning. But we still went out to Los Olivos. We hit up two wineries and grabbed some lunch. Overall it was a fun time, although, we all agreed that next time we would go wine tasting first then party up the rest of the night in SB :D

Restless

What has happened since late January?

Well, I have completed the Calculus and English courses I needed to graduate. So, technically, I'm done with my UCLA undergraduate work.

I was dating someone from mid-February to Memorial day. That "relationship" should have ended before Memorial day. I have this problem letting go when I know that I should. I guess I would rather have someone that is at least better than the last guy, than to not have someone at all.

I'm waitlisted at three medical education programs. This whole process has been a test of my patience and humility, but I think I'm coming ahead victorious, at least in the the test.

So where does this leave me now? In the same situation as my last post in late January, but a little bit behind. Back in January I was stronger. The last couple of months have been disappointing, but I need to bounce back...and I know I will.

I have this restless feeling, but I know it's from an unsatisfying feeling with myself, not with anyone else or with anything going on around me. Only I can make this feeling go away, I just need to take the steps to make it happen.

Time spent

I'm trying to branch out, in terms of activities. There are so many things I want to do and I want to get started NOW! I want to learn how to swim, go snorkeling, learn to play my guitar, go camping/hiking, go Quad riding in the desert....to name a few.

I feel as if all I do is go to work, go home, and watch tv or be online...both of which are whack things to do with my free time. Recently I've been consistent with going to the gym in the mornings, so that's a step in the direction of productivity. I'm going to start my calculus class in the next two weeks, so I'm sure that's just gonna drain me. I want some fun things to do that don't include getting dressed up and going out to a club or to a bar. I'm considering taking a photography class, but I don't know if I'm just being over ambitious. I think I can do it. :D

Me

This is my attempt at starting the new year with a clean slate. I used to have an online journal a few years back. I was somewhat consistent in updating it and I remembered how helpful it was to work through my thoughts and feelings. So I figured there was no harm in trying one more time.

A little about me, I'm originally from San Diego, CA. The last of six children to two immigrant parents from Mexico. I was the first two move away from home to attend UCLA. I majored in Physiological Science and I currently work as a case manager for an HIV/AIDS social service agency in South Central Los Angeles. That's about it.

Three big things in my life right now:
1. I'm applying to medical school.
After some convincing from my friend Marcus, I decided to apply this past Summer. At first, I had planned to only apply to California schools, but after putting soooo much hard work into my AMCAS application and my personal statement, I decided to make this application cycle worth it. I applied to 29 allopathic medical schools and 4 osteopathic medical schools. The process has been so expensive, I even took on a second job working nights at a substance abuse rehabilitation facility. Like everyone else who applies, I got those automatic secondary applications. But as soon as I got secondaries from schools that actually screen your primary, I dropped everything I was doing and filled those out.

I have to mention that I was hesitant to apply this year because, while my extra-curricular activities are awesome and I have a solid MCAT score, my GPA is lower than average. :( The past two years had been an emotional roller coaster and my grades at UCLA suffered because of it. Making the decision to apply this year forced me to deal with my low self-confidence as a result of my grades. I faced a lot of my demons in the last four months. I've had to face the facts and not just make excuses for them, but to accept them and move past them. As such, I feel as if I have grown tremendously in a short amount of time.

My personal confidence boost has been complimented further by interview invitations to the University of Iowa Carver College of Medicine, the Drew/UCLA medical program, and to UC Davis med. I didn't even think I would get a secondary to a UC, let alone an interview invite, so I'm the happiest I have ever been in a really long time! :D

My first interview was at Iowa. I was SOOOO freakin nervous!! But the two physicians interviewing me were so nice and friendly that I eased up after a few minutes. They even complimented me...so how can I not feel great?!!! After Iowa, I returned home with such confidence! It really prepared me for my Drew interview the following week. I walked into Drew like I belonged there! I rocked that interview too! ;) I have an interview at UC Davis lined up for January 7th, so an update will be coming up soon.

2. My mom had a stroke
In the beginning of Thanksgiving week my mother had a stroke that has left her right side paralyzed. I went to SD to take care of her that entire week. I was sooo strong! I had to be because i didn't want her to cry and I KNOW she would have broke down if I had been crying. But her stroke took a toll on me...in a positive way. It really helped me regain that extra focus I had been missing and had not regained during the application process. I realized that I can't just let my dreams go. I have to have mental and emotional focus to be a physician and I had to start in that moment.

My mom is doing a lot better now! I recently spent my Christmas break with her in SD caring after her. It was great. I almost cried when I took her to physical therapy and saw her walking! She has made amazing progress in the past month...even her therapist is impressed, considering she has only attended therapy twice! My mother does not have health insurace, so my father is paying out of pocket for her medications, physical therapy appointments, and her acupuncture appts. It is definitely a stressor in our family's life, but there is not other option for us (it's complicated, but trust me I have exhausted all potential resources).

3. I'm getting over a breakup
I've recently broken up with a guy who I have been with on and off for the last two years. It has been such a rocky relationship...my first relationship, so I was incredibly in love with him. I felt helpless for so long, I could never let go of him, even when I knew being with him was bad for me, emotionally, mentally, and academically.

But the past few months have made me sooo much stronger, that I'm tired of our ups and downs. They are not normal. He is about 4 years older than me, but he acts about 4 years younger. I'm at a point in my life where I should be enjoying every minute of freedom I have before medical school. I should be spending time with my mother, my siblings, my best friends because for all I know I might have to go to Iowa for the next four years! I definitely do not need to spending my time with a jealous guy who can stand in front of me watching me cry and not do a damn thing about it. The last two years really came into perspective when I was at my Iowa interview. The night before my interview he and I were arguing over something stupid and I asked him to just drop it all and to end the argument because I didn't need to go through that before my interview, but no...he couldn't just do that. So, it was over. I knew it was over from that moment on. If he didn't see how important the following day was to me, then I didn't want to be with him anymore. Love is not the most important thing in the world.

Ok, so that's me for now. I want to enjoy my life, I want to always have a smile on my face and not a fake one, I want to do things because I want to do them! :D